It's true that no matter how much you try to prepare yourself there's always something that is completely unexpected, and I have found this to be so true when it comes to babies, so I thought I'd try and put some words to this.
- I can survive for a year on 365 nights of broken sleep.
- Entirely serious, deep and meaningful conversations can be had about nappies, teats, breast pads, puree recipes and salt content
- No matter how much you accustom a child to healthy food, there's just something about chips, chicken nuggets, spaghetti hoops and generally all things junk that is irresistible. Oh and chocolate… definitely chocolate.
- Baby equipment is designed for double-jointed people with 8 hands, x-ray vision and no baby.
- Cinemas are great even if you feel a fool for reaching for the remote every time the volume goes up
- I can remain completely calm while puke is sinking into my hair pouring straight down my cleavage
- Squeaky floorboards at 3am will surely reduce me to a blubbering mess
- The lengths to which I will go to induce sleep.
- It is actually possible to miss job specs, deadlines, procedures and targets – just for a second or maybe two…
- Children's television producers aren't just on drugs, they really do know what they're doing!
- People who say they will never use a dummy are either masochists or still pregnant.
- It is possible for breasts to grow 5 (yes five) cup sizes and feel like completely non-sexual entities – why anyone would actually choose to achieve this through surgery completely escapes me.
On that note, however
- How exciting it can be to finally go shopping for normal bras and to be allowed to take all cold medicines again
- The extortionate price of children's shoes
- Planning about ten years ahead when you move house
- You can hold a lot of tension in your scalp (I didn't realise that was even possible!)
- Online shopping saved my sanity
- While you need friends who have babies and can relate to you, I never realised how important it is to have friends who don't have babies. There's the obvious breath of fresh air to talk about life on the outside, then there's the fact that they are genuinely shocked and/or impressed by your achievements
- How babies know just the right time to give you that beaming smile, gurgle, chuckle or cuddle that makes absolutely everything all better (and I thought that was my job?)
- It's a cliche but yes, how quickly time flies
It's by no means a comprehensive (or balanced) list, just what stands out at the moment. It would be interesting to hear what others have to say so feel free to pass it on.